how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
