I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I enjoy the company of your penis
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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