I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
