I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
