I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
