She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
