everyone is single if you try hard enough
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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