she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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