Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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