you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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