Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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