Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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