Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
