then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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