he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
