I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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