i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I could make wine with my vomit
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
