Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
