My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
