her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
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The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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