All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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