My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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