how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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