If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
