Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
sarcasm needs its own font
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?