dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
