I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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