First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
