Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
MIDGETS
????
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
