hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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