either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
