dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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