So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize