Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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