She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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