You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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