I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
