what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
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Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
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no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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