New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
