It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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