I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
