Plan B is the new Plan A
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
