I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
