I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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