Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
