in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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