I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
