1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
