you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
