I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
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his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
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You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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