They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
