Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
