i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
