Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
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Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I wear drunk well.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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