I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
