i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
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his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
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Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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