1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
