My hand turned me down
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
