if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
