We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
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Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
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