I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
