Just took my morning after pill in the library
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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