I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
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As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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